How did I end up going backwards in my healing journey?

I let my peace depend on those around me. Mostly my children. If they were happy and healthy, then I was too. If I had just enough money to cover the basics, I didn’t let myself worry about the future. Going to the gym each day became my version of self-care.

It worked—until it didn’t.

I never imagined I’d end up here: jobless, facing physical health issues, worried about being homeless, with one dependent still relying on me. Every day, my mental health feels like a fight I didn’t sign up for.

For the past eight months, I’ve been trying so hard to put all my faith and trust in G‑d. I’ve been listening to podcasts, studying Torah, and doing my best to lose myself in faith. It’s the only thing that gives me a sense of steadiness when everything else feels out of control.

I’m relying on charity just to get by. I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs. I’m trying to build a new career while rebuilding myself—and it’s overwhelming. I thought I had already faced my toughest battles: surviving post-separation abuse, walking through a child’s cancer diagnosis, supporting my loved ones through suicide attempts and mental health crises.

But somehow, this season feels even heavier.

I know, deep in my soul, that G‑d is in control. I remind myself of that daily. But then the weight of it all hits me, and I find myself slipping down that dark rabbit hole again. I see all the tragedy in the world, and I try to hold onto the blessings in my life—but when I look forward, I struggle to see light, peace, or serenity.

I don’t know how this chapter will end.

I only know that I’m not alone in my pain.

And even though I’m tired—so very tired—

I know I can’t give up.

Not now. Not ever.

 A Quiet Prayer